Subplot Most in Need of Staking

September 30, 2010 in Polls, Rehab For Rabids - Season 3, True Blood

Subplot Most in Need of Staking

A poll for those irritating side stories we’d have gladly seen on the end of a stake by week 3…but were forced to suffer through all season long.


A. DEPUTY STACKHOUSE AND THE WEREPANTHERS

The concept of Jason becoming a police officer was rather ridiculous from outset, even for this show. It made for some funny scenes (Jason’s attempt to pull Crystal over, and his pants-less police exam dream come to mind) but really, we could have done without two full minutes of Jason stringing together paperclips and eating ink, or terrorising the residents of Bon Temps with his game of Cops and Robbers. After making such progress with Jason’s character in season 2, it seemed the writers were determined to throw all of that down the gurgler and make Jason as dumb as dirt, once again. Note to writers: after three seasons, Jason’s dumb-ass routine is only funny in small, well-spaced doses.

B. ARLENE’S DEMON BABY

I don’t care what Arlene has in her belly. I hope it’s the devil himself – she deserves it for telling lies to Terry over and over again, and I will hate her for this forever.

C. FINDING JESUS

In a painful parallel to the “What is Sookie?” plot, hints were being dropped all over the place about the true nature of Lafayette’s new love interest over the course of season 3. Most of us here had identified Jesus as a probable witch before the season even started, and after seeing him in just a few episodes were convinced we had him nailed. Watching the writers drag this out for weeks on end as we waited for confirmation of the obvious was boring and anti-climactic.

D. YOU CAN’T PICK YOUR FAMILY

Looking at this story arc with the season behind us I don’t think it was half bad, and I was initially hesitant to include it in this poll. I don’t mind dark Sam, and the fact that his real “parents” turned out to be such bottom-feeders was clearly the straw that finally broke the back of everyone’s favourite doormat. The destination wasn’t really the problem with this storyline – it was the tedium we had to sit through to get there that made it so unpalatable. Like the maenad in minature, the idea had promise – but they didn’t know when to say “enough”. This sub-plot made the cut for its agonisingly slow start and its inability to really get firing. We sat through far too many episodes just waiting for something…ANYTHING…to happen. By the time we got to Sam finding his dark side in the bottom of a JD bottle and Tommy pitching his tent in Bon Temps (which I’m assuming was the point of the whole thing), the Mickens’ had totally worn out their welcome.

Oh, and Joe Lee’s disgusting, mangy jocks were simply stomach-churning. Don’t ever put that nasty shit on my TV again, Alan Ball.

F. “HOW FUCKIN’ LAME!”

Probably the most over-hyped plot point of the season, “What is Sookie?” was so ridiculously drawn out, I began to wonder whether Ball really would make her a fairy at all. Along with Bill’s motives for returning to Bon Temps, Sookie’s ancestry was the worst-kept secret in this fandom. By the time the show got around to actually spilling the beans, I was shocked only that they still expected anyone to be shocked at all.

Or maybe that was the point of Sookie pronouncing it “fucking lame” – irony and all that. I don’t know. I don’t care.

G. YESTERDAY’S HERO

Since nothing actually happened, Jason/Kitch doesn’t technically qualify as a subplot – which is precisely why they make the most annoying list. It’s bad enough when scriptwriters attempt to distract us from the interesting storylines with shiny filler, but it’s even worse when they do it to tell us something that we already know. We know Jason is being forced to grow up, and he is trying to reconcile the his life-long image of himself with a new Jason who is searching for meaning in all the wrong places. We have known this since the Amy Burley storyline of season 1. Why are they still wasting valuable screen time with this inane crap? YOUR POINT IS MADE. Get Jason doing something useful and/or meaningful (hell, I will settle for vaguely interesting at this point) and MOVE ON, PLEASE.





VOTING IS CLOSED


Rabids Report Card – Week 1 Results

September 29, 2010 in Polls, Rehab For Rabids - Season 3, True Blood

It’s time for an update on the progress of your rehabilitation.

Hopefully the cold sweats are beginning to subside, and you have ventured out of your house at least once since viewing the finale.

Check under the jump for the results of the first week of polls!

Read the rest of this entry →

Best “I BELIEVE IN ALAN BALL!” Moment

September 27, 2010 in Polls, Rehab For Rabids - Season 3, True Blood

Best “I BELIEVE IN ALAN BALL!” Moment



A poll for those season 3 moments that managed to convince even the most skeptical that Alan Ball might – just maybe – have read the same books as the rest of us.


A. SOOKIE & ERIC: TO HAVE AND TO HOLD…BLAH BLAH BLAH.

This scene was a personal light bulb moment for me, and judging by the reaction to the episode on the forums many of you felt the same. When Eric came to tell Sookie the truth about what he knew – and Sookie not only took an interest, but asked questions instead of spitting bile for a change – it seemed we may be finally turning a corner. This scene wasn’t taken from Club Dead, yet from beginning to end it felt very much in the spirit of book three. Eric’s refusal to endanger Sookie further by hiding the truth from her, Sookie (trying) to use her brain, the flirting, the banter, and Eric’s cocky attempt to get down Sookie’s pants were all canon – and a welcome respite from the bitchiness and snark characterising most of their season 2 exchanges.

B. I SMELL A RATT – THE RATTRAY REVEAL

Forget clutchin’ your pearls – Eric’s finale bombshell involving Bill and Sookie’s early relationship had me scrambling to pick my pearls up off the floor. The possibility of Bill allowing the Rattray’s to bash Sookie has been the stuff of bookie conspiracy theory for years. For Ball to actually pick up one of Charlaine Harris’ “bombs in the garden” – and run like hell with it – well, suffice to say it left me feeling both tingly in my girly bits and somewhat guilty for all the mean things I’ve said about him in the past. The clues were always in the show, as they were in the books… but years of listening to Ball wax lyrical about Sookie and Bill had convinced me that he would never grow the Big Brass Ones required to go all the way with this.

C. EVEN VAMPIRES JUST WANT TO BE LOVED

Back in the post season 2 hiatus-funk, the internet was awash with the complaints of unhappy campers who felt that Ball planned to relegate Eric and Sookie to not much more than a fling – a sexy but nonetheless temporary diversion en-route to a happy ending in Bills-ville. If you still count yourself amongst this group, please replay this scene until such dark thoughts are banished entirely. Here is your iron-clad promise that is NOT going to happen.

This scene was a play by play of how Eric really sees Sookie, and their not-so-hypothetical future relationship. Sookie’s rather chaste exclamation of “Cheese ‘n Rice, Eric!” on his appearance at her window (when we all know the real Sookie would have spat the F-Bomb) was a telling insight into his still infatuated and somewhat idealised perception of her. Eric day-dreaming that Sookie could sense his childhood memories was an expression of his desire to connect with her on a deep emotional level, not just a physical one.

The hot and heavy make-out session following their little mindgame was – tellingly – initiated by Sookie. She was the aggressor; cast in that role by him. Eric’s real-life role as aggressor and dominator with sex-toy Yvetta adds compelling subtext – he isn’t threatened by Sookie’s strength and in fact, the belief that a stronger Sookie lies buried under her “damsel in distress” routine is part of her appeal. He is willing to surrender his desire to dominate in fantasy, even though his conscious self isn’t yet willing to make the leap. Eric’s view of Sookie in this sequence has tones of their evolution in the later books of the series – Sookie finds a way to be sexually and emotionally assertive, while Eric finds a way to be sexually and emotionally vulnerable. And in doing so, they meet in the middle.

D. FRANKLIN HITS PAY DIRT

Oh Franklin, we could have licked your nasty boots when they crept into Bill Compton’s joint in the dead of night, got all up in his shit, and returned bearing nothing less than the Holy Freakin’ Grail.

We knew it was coming, but actually seeing some cold, hard evidence that Bill had indeed returned to Bon Temps for Sookie felt pretty darn good – we’d only waited three seasons.

E. SOOKIE’S SCRAPBOOK OF NOTHING MEMORIES

OH, THE SYMBOLISM.

When Sookie first pulled out this book of horrors and started mooning over Bill, the collective groan from those of us who were by now practically screaming for her to wake up to herself was probably heard in outer space.

When she flipped open the cover to reveal pages of GLARING NOTHINGNESS – our groans turned to whoops, as we realised our heroine really was going to wake up and smell the Billshit…eventually.

F. TWIST ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME

What’s not to love about this? So much going down in this scene – and none of it going downtown on William T. Compton.

The fact that Bill committed this rather hateful and kinky act having been released by Lorena last season meant that all the excuses in the world weren’t going to save him from this. Emo angst or not, no one FORCED Bill to fuck Lorena like only two vampires can, nor did they force him to mistake her head for a beer bottle cap.

Book Bill’s culpability for the consequences of his return to Lorena was questionable; Book Lorena never released him, so he was compelled to do what she asked. No outs on the show, Bill – this spine-tingling hate-fuck and Sookie’s emotional betrayal is all yours, big boy.

OWN IT.

G. HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A SOOKIE BETRAYED.

Sookie reading Bill the riot act when he attempted to stop her from hauling Eric out of the sun was obviously worthy of this list on its own. But it was the between-the-lines stuff we were shown after Sookie brought Eric back inside that really delivered the bang for our buck.

Sookie demands that Bill open her wrist before she kneels down beside a severely injured Eric to feed him. After a rather snide crack at Bill and his LACK OF SELF CONTROL, we see Eric recovering and beginning to feed more eagerly. When Bill orders him to stop and pulls Sookie’s arm away (it bears mentioning that Sookie was in no way concerned by the way Eric was feeding), Eric draws away and wipes his mouth while pointedly curling his upper lip – just in case we missed the fact that his fangs were still neatly tucked away in his head.

So either Eric just isn’t that into Sookie – or we were being told in no uncertain terms that vampires can control their bloodlust, Bill Compton’s assertions to the contrary BE DAMNED. Eric’s distinct lack of fang and relatively restrained demeanour while feeding on Sookie – despite his severe injuries – raises some curly questions for our Bill. For starters, what in the name of all that is good and holy was going on with him in the back of that truck? And why is he telling Sookie that he’s the only vampire capable of controlling himself in the vicinity of her delectable fae blood when we’ve seen multiple incidents over the course of this show that make this assertion utterly laughable?

This is not the books! No siree, Bob. Every excuse Book Bill had for his transgressions was pulled from under TB Bill this season, and it’s going to be a long walk home.



VOTING IS CLOSED




Best Franklin Mott Moment – Day 4

September 26, 2010 in Franklin Mott, Polls, Rehab For Rabids - Season 3, Tara, True Blood

Best Franklin Mott Moment

RIP You Huge Freak

A. FRANKLIN’S FREAKOUT

B. SHONEY’S! MY SHOUT!

C. TALBOT AND FRANKLIN SMACK-DOWN!

D. FRANKLIN HAS MAD TEXTING SKILLZ YOU AIN’T EVEN DREAMED OF…



VOTING IS CLOSED




Best Outfit…Not Worn by Eric! – Day 4

September 25, 2010 in Polls, Rehab For Rabids - Season 3, True Blood

Best Outfit…Not Worn by Eric!

A. LORENA – PROCURE-IS-NOT-A-DIRTY-WORD DRESS
Oh Lorena. You were cray-cray – but DAMN you could throw an outfit together and make it look effortless. In a show where even stained tighty-whities are considered acceptable attire, your fierce fashion sense will be sorely missed.

B. SOPHIE ANNE – DING DONG, THE KING IS DEAD
When Sophie-Anne arrived on Bill’s doorstep to claim her prize and gloat over the misfortunes of her “dead” husband, she chose an outfit that said “I’m back, bitches” and wore an attitude to match. Widowhood never looked so good.

C. PAM – LEATHER IS FOR BAD ASS BITCHES
I’m going to make a confession, and please don’t hate me. I really don’t like Pam’s “out-of-office” dress sense very much. Two piece suits just don’t do it for me. Pam’s work attire, on the other hand, is FIERCE.

D. SOOKIE – SUMMER’S EVE BRIDE
Yeah yeah, we all hate Doucheland. But you have to admit, Sookie looked etheral in this scene and the top half of the dress was quite pretty. Besides, did you SEE her other outfits this season? The only other options were a Bon Temps football shirt, and a trashtastic hooker get-up. And let’s not forget the detestable lavender SFP dress, back to horrify for yet another season. I want to douse that vile thing with gasoline and set it on fire.

E. LAFAYETTE – IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, WEAR YOUR GLAM!
Lafayette’s clothing choices were markedly more conservative this year than in previous seasons – no doubt as a consequence of the ominous black cloud that seems have taken up permanent residence above his head. Nonetheless, it didn’t feel right to run a fashion poll without a contribution from the Ru Paul of Bon Temps – and this little Asian-inspired number was his shining moment in season 3.

F. LORENA – DRESSED TO KILL
This beautiful ensemble was not an appropriate choice for torturing and killing the object of your obsession – all those ruffles are a hindrance, and the colour? How did she ever think she was going to get the blood out? Nonetheless, Lorena looked absolutely stunning in this scene…even when she was a bloody, dishevelled mess.

G. HADLEY – NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER
Wow! Who knew such a timid girl had lingerie like THAT stashed away in the back of her undies draw? Admit it, you did a double take when she came floating out of Sophie-Anne’s room all high-end hooker like.

H. FRANKLIN – TEARS (OF LAUGHTER) ON MY PILLOW
Franklin and his satin pyjamas make the list because dammit, that vampire didn’t feel the need to explain why he was wearing women’s pyjamas to ANYONE. He owned that shit. And also because his bubble-butt looked amazing in them.

I. TALBOT – HOMOEROTIC MAKEOUT JACKET IN BLUSH PINK
Talbot and his jackets were impeccable all season long, so narrowing this one down was impossible. Why did this particular jacket make the cut? Well, Eric obviously liked it..and in true Talbot style, it also matched the decor.


VOTING IS CLOSED


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