10 Reasons Not To Date Alexander Skarsgard

March 11, 2011 in Alexander Skarsgard, Shameless Fangirling

This funny piece by 22wolf caught my eye on Tumblr yesterday. You can read more of her work on fanfiction.net and livejournal.

I thought many here would find this relevant to their interests.

* * * * *

This is a list for all of us fangirls with a snowball’s chance in hell of dating Askars. This list should provide comfort to our broken lovesick hearts, and laughter.

Disclaimer: if by any chance you think Alex doesn’t do these things because he says so, I’d like to stress a very important point: men lie.

1. He Drinks

Why You Think This Is Good: When the Drunkaskarsrex appears we love the photos and videos! He is so funny. He dances. He kisses — a lot — and even licks people. He’s adorable to say the least. Who wouldn’t want to party with that!

Why This Is Bad: When men get drunk they pee everywhere. How will you feel when Drunkskars uses the closet instead of the bathroom? Or when you enter the washroom for your own personal needs and he hit every place but the bowl?


Pic: drunkskars tumblr




2. He Watches Soccer

Why You Think This Is Good: He’s the best fan boy ever! Look at the pics! Watch the videos! We Love to hear him chant — even when we don’t understand a word of it. We love to watch him pose with other players. We even like his extremely huge flag on his front gate.

Why This Is Bad: He will want you to watch the game with him. He will probably even poke, nudge, shake, and otherwise irritate you while pointing out the plays of the game. He will expect you to be just as excited about the game as he is.

Furthermore, He’s a big guy! What will you do when he throws himself to the ground after his team loses and says he has no reason to live? It will be hard to half drag, half lift him to a more appropriate place. And if you two are at home, the neighbors might call the police about possible DV charges if they hear him wail and scream at the TV – embarrassing!

3. He Likes To Be Naked

Why You Think This Is Good: LOOK AT HIM.

Why This Is Bad: You are dating Alex. You show up to his place, only to trip on the shoes he left in the doorway. He looks like a hardwood floors kinda man, so you get a concussion. You stumble around to find his shirt thrown over the back of the couch. His jeans are on the floor outside the bedroom and his underwear and socks are somewhere between the bedroom and bathroom. Finally, you see Mister Naked totally oblivious to his mess and your concussion.

This leads to another fabulous point: men are messy.

4. His Mother And Sister Live In Another Country

Why You Think This Is Good: No annoying in-laws. Mothers and sisters (and other close female relatives) are notorious for thinking no one is good enough for their boy and that he can do no wrong. Distance between you and his personal, unwavering cheerleading bodyguards is a good thing.

Why This Is Bad: Female relatives are some of the only people with the right to smack a guy when he’s being stupid. They can’t reach across an ocean to smack him, so when he is single he has no female guidance in his life. Kristen has a husband of her own to wrangle. Therefore all the domestication he learned from both those two women and his various girlfriends quickly erodes and you have to re-train him from scratch. (This is no insult to his family. He has many brothers and only one sister and one mother. That’s only 4 hands max to slap at least 5 males when they misbehave. I have empathy for them!)

5. He Speaks Swedish

Why You Think This Is Good: He sounds so sexy when he does it. Didn’t you melt when he said “my lover” ? Don’t you want to pounce on him like a wild, sex starved beast once he starts talking in his native tongue? AND he probably does it during sex….

Why This Is Bad: In the middle of an argument, he could start cussing you out and you wouldn’t understand a word. He could mutter things in Swedish when mad and you won’t be able to understand even if you hear him. He can talk about you on the phone to his friends right in front of you, without you knowing if he is bitching about or praising you. And when you are with his Swedish friends and family, you will be the weird one who can’t talk with everyone else and makes the group translate or change their speech for you.

6. He’s Tall

Why You Think This Is Good: Tall = sexy

Why This Is Bad: He probably walks very fast, with his large legs. You will power-walk and jog to keep up with his casual steps. Your neck will strain to look up at him. You might need a step ladder to kiss his cheek. If you or your family live in an old home, he might bang his head on the low doorways, archways, and ceiling fans and if you have a small car, he won’t fit in it.

7. You Already Know So Much About Him…

Why You Think This Is Good: You can surprise him with his favorite breakfast because you already know what his favorite breakfast is! You’ve also got this great Xmas gift picked out for him; you are going to make a travel sized knot blanket in white and green and put his team’s logo on it, so he can take it everywhere he goes.

You’ve also seen how the man kisses and are ready to have your hair style wrecked when he begins to tug on it.

Needless to say, you have done research and are ready to use it to your advantage.

Why This Is Bad: He might find it a bit creepy……and even if he doesn’t, your family has also heard all your ‘research’ about him and are sick of him before you’ve even introduced them. They can also tell him so many embarrassing things about your fascination with him. You see yourself as researching your future mate as to create a happy relationship, he sees you as a crazy stalker who now has him in your clutches!

8. He’s A Foreigner

Why You Think This Is Good: He speaks Swedish. We’ve all read the articles on how great it is to have a Swedish husband (every girl should own one!). He fulfills all of those ‘aren’t euro boys cuter!?!’ stereotypes.

Why This Is Bad: He may not find all your anti-euro jokes to be as funny as you do. You certainly won’t like to hear him bitch left and right about the US.
After a peer reviewed article that praises Sweden and bashes the US is released (probably about sexuality), he’ll walk around the house like his farts don’t stink for a month and do this weird Swedish thing where he insults and compliments you at the same time and walks away to leave you with your confusion.
He also eats some food you might not find too appetizing.

After dating him for a while you will learn that euro or not, a boy is a boy. AND they suck.

Mr. Swedish also won’t do well as the first man of the USA after you are elected president.

9. Everyone Loves Him

Why You Think This Is Good: You love him. People who party with him, love him. Everyone who meets him praises him and talks about how wonderful he is….even without meeting him, you gotta believe he’s pretty cool when he’s in a good mood.

Why This Is Bad: Bitches will want you dead and possibly kill you. Skarsluts/skarfans/skarpsychos will tear you to pieces, judge you without knowing a whit about you or your life, and pray for your painful and untimely demise because you have the audacity to be with him.

10. He Has A Penis

Why You Think This Is Good:….Do I really have to go into detail?

Why This Is Bad: Apart from all the side effects that can come with having a penis (jock itch, lying, inability to do the splits, lack of hygiene, etc), his penis in particular comes with some issues. First off, we spend an inordinate and unhealthy amount of time thinking about it. And when we do its HUGE, perfect, beautiful, curves just right!, and is the greatest phallus we could dream of.
But what happens when you meet this man and get close enough to disrobe him? Frankly, you have probably already pictured a size only a small amount of the population has. Some men have GPs, but most are… adequate. It might not look perfect. It might not be aesthetically pleasing. It might just be ‘some dick’. (and lets be honest, they aren’t the prettiest body part out there)
He also can’t give you all the sex you want. He has a job and will want to sleep occasionally.
 
So in closing — for all the big and little reasons listed and the ones you came up with all on your own while reading this, DON’T DATE ASKARS. It just isn’t a good thing to do.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
10 Reasons Not To Date Alexander Skarsgard

54 Comments

    1. jayetea says:

      How did she know about us??? “Skarsluts/skarfans/skarpsychos will tear you to pieces, judge you without knowing a whit about you or your life, and pray for your painful and untimely demise because you have the audacity to be with him.”
      LOL, ;) “his penis in particular comes with some issues. First off, we spend an inordinate and unhealthy amount of time thinking about it. And when we do its HUGE, perfect, beautiful, curves just right!, and is the greatest phallus we could dream of.”
      SRSLY….How did she know…” he sees you as a crazy stalker who now has him in your clutches!”

         0 likes

      • Rio says:

        Those were my exact thoughts when I saw this yesterday – How did she know about us??? Or is she one of us??? ;) Some of this was too big a coincidence….Unless all of Skars’ fans are huge pervs like we are. Which I guess is highly possible!

           0 likes

    2. Serena says:

      This is hilarious. :lol: Beyond hilarious. :lol:

         0 likes

    3. Ashley says:

      I love this :lol:

         0 likes

    4. Skarlove says:

      Well, I found this hilarious -But I’ll take him anyway. I’m 5″9″. Soccer obsessions, love of barley & hops…..I can take it. I could also handle the bitches who want me dead! I do admit to small tits – but lets just say I’ve learned to compensate! I love good beer and awesome wine…….if AS had been in Stockholm when I was from 10/14-17, I might have broken every marriage vow made. With permission :) ………plus my talents below the belt would have swayed our beloved Swede in my favor…..alas – twas not to be!!!!

         0 likes

    5. Ashley says:

      My favorite part is where she talks about the bad reasons for him speaking swedish….

      “He could mutter things in Swedish when mad and you won’t be able to understand even if you hear him. He can talk about you on the phone to his friends right in front of you, without you knowing if he is bitching about or praising you.”

      Freakin hilarious.

         0 likes

    6. niki myers says:

      single, half cherokee half swedish, yum swedes! we’re tasty. learning swedish. hopefully move to sweden before i’m 40. and nom nom nom. alex, i’ll meet you there. plus my ris a la malta is awesome!

         0 likes

    7. Eric is hot says:

      I loved it and you are butn what the hell. I would date him in a heart beat.

         0 likes

    8. allabouteric says:

      I read this yesterday and was laughing my ass off…H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S!!!

         0 likes

    9. Natalie4Eric says:

      This cracked me up!!!!

      I’m 5’2″ and dated a man Alex’s height…yes keeping up with his casual walking is spot on. However she left out the part about using the height difference as a jungle gym in bed!!!!!

         0 likes

      • MASpencer says:

        LOL! I’m 5’4″, my husband is 6’4″, and everything she says is true.

        But then… so is the whole jungle gym thing, so…

        WINNING! :lol:

           0 likes

    10. Jaime says:

      LOL, best thing ever. This is hilarious. Love it!

         0 likes

    11. Rafaela says:

      “3. He Likes To Be Naked

      Why You Think This Is Good: LOOK AT HIM.”

      LMFAO!!!
      It’s true though… =P

         0 likes

    12. Kathrine says:

      Arguing with Alex is like arguing with a swedish Ricky Ricardo. That would be totally hilarious to see.

         0 likes

    13. bldskr says:

      Epic WIN!!!!!!

         0 likes

    14. feather says:

      #1 is true!
      My ex peed in our bedroom once :( he was so drunk he didn’t realize…. just dropped trou and peed righ there

         0 likes

    15. KDRainstorm says:

      Can’t. Stop. LMAO…!

         0 likes

    16. AH says:

      I think this is really funny!

         0 likes

    17. VikingLover says:

      This is too funny!

         0 likes

    18. LovetheViking says:

      This is fantastic. Does it put me off. No.

         0 likes

    19. shelly n says:

      SOOOOO true and Soooo funny…

         0 likes

    20. Nena says:

      This is so funny LOL, I just can say thet I´m a latina, 5´8″ with european blood, married with an Italian, so I can handle AS. LOL

         0 likes

    21. Nancy Garcia says:

      LOL! No problem! This is histerical, My ex (the guys who has yet to realize he no longer is a jock) used to hug the toilet bowl and chant my name like it would magically make him stop puking. He would not shut up for a long time. So annoying when you are trying to sleep,LOL. Anyways, no one is perfect but AS comes pretty close!

         0 likes

    22. AB Negative says:

      OMG…I had quietly been thinking quite a few of these things myself. Too funny and so sad. But I just want to have my way with him, not marry him, so no worries. Plus he doesn’t so any of those things in my dreams.

         0 likes

      • Davida says:

        I’m with you, AB Negative. I’m a black woman with 2 kids and a husband. Skarsgard likes ‘em size 0 and blond. Since marriage is out of the question, none of the things on the list matter to me. He’d still be a good romp in the hay once…or twice.

           0 likes

    23. Margaux says:

      Oh my goodness, this is hilarious! I laughed out loud especially the part about jock itch. Thank you for sharing SVB!!

         0 likes

    24. MollyS says:

      Hilarious!! Thanks for sharing.

      We should add #11 – He always wears the same clothes

      Why you think this is good: there is less laundry to do and shopping for him is easy since you can just buy more of the same. Plus, he looks good in what he wears!

      Why this is bad: How about some variety? How many pairs of jeans tucked into unlaced black boots and black/gray/white t-shirts can one man possibly own?

         0 likes

    25. bloodboundnorse says:

      {Why You Think This Is Good: Tall = sexy
      Why This Is Bad: He probably walks very fast, with his large legs. You will power-walk and jog to keep up with his casual steps.

      You might need a step ladder to kiss his cheek. }

      Finally, exercises wont be such a chore to do anymore and would be done one way or the other! I think buying a ladder would be win-win, too. Definitely worth the price for its lovely multiple uses! *waggles eyebrows*

         0 likes

    26. Millarca says:

      :lol: Very funny. OK. She’s convinced me. I’ve decided I will not date Alexander Skarsgard, not even if he begs me. :D

         1 likes

    27. silvereyed says:

      Lol, I’m not from America, I’d probably laugh about the USA with Anna while casually hanging round the TB set ;)

         0 likes

    28. Michelle says:

      ha ha ha. Well we didnt expect Mr Perfect! I’m sure my pitfalls are worse! Regardless i’d still like to go for a pint and watch the footie with him…..

         0 likes

    29. alexNr1fan says:

      This is hilarious!! Really good stuff.it will never put me off though, i would get drunk with him any time he wants me to.

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    30. DutchGirl says:

      I have a euro 6’2″ tall husband so let me say everything is in proportion oh yes !!
      Loved the jungle gym comment btw!! Had a tea snorting moment because of that!

      Loved it all :-)

         0 likes

    31. Katee says:

      She’s killing the dream!

         1 likes

    32. KSforEric says:

      Is it bad that this just makes me want him more? He is my “hall pass,” my #1 in my Top 5, and therefore fair game. I don’t want a relationship with him I just want to sleep with him… is that awful? I’m a bad person.

      I am 5 foot nothing and would have NO issue climbing ASkars. That’s what counter tops are for… perfect height. ;)

         0 likes

      • Rio says:

        Ditto on every single word of that…he’s my #1 on my list of 5 too. Except I’m even shorter than 5 feet. Totally ready to start climbing. ;)

           0 likes

    33. Rê with fangs says:

      I am a Brazilian girl, so we could stay in cursing without the other knowing! We’d be a happy couple! hehe

      I love this list! But in my dreams it’s perfect!

         0 likes

    34. sheldon says:

      Just looked at the drunk Skars pic a little more closely ;) …..are they condoms on his fingers??

         0 likes

    35. jennifermarguerite says:

      one of the funniest things i’ve read in a big, beautiful, not to mention peachy amount of time!

         0 likes

    36. hime says:

      This is really hilarious. The pros and cons of having Askars as a boyfriend… If I may say, all those cons only make me like him more! also lol @ all the words spent about his penis. :)

         0 likes

    37. jamie says:

      love this, just too funny. Good reminder’s for me, lol.

         0 likes

    38. OhxMy says:

      This is…..awesome,incredible, marvelous, unbelievable, wonderful and every other word for FANTASTIC!!!! I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time I was reading. I actually had to stop to catch my breath once or twice.

         0 likes

    39. Sherry says:

      Honestly, he sounds like every Swede I’ve ever met. And I’ve met quite a few.

      And there’s not a single damn thing that’s wrong with that.

         0 likes

    40. Jennifer says:

      So what you are saying is that unless we are 12 year old girls who still think boys have cooties, then it is all good to date the Tall drink of water better known as Alexander Skarsgard

         0 likes

    41. Kiwi says:

      Haha this is funny but has in no way dissuaded me >:]

         0 likes

    42. Becca says:

      I’d thought this way hilarious. I’ve dated a tall handsome drink of water.. He was from Spain.. half italian and spanish. My god that was the best epic time of my life until he moved back to Spain. Ha, gonna cry :C thanks for the sweet memories. An yes I would definately attempt my chances.. Bring it SKARPHOS!

         0 likes

    43. the cat says:

      this is so genuinely funny…so much of it…ah, he won’t get your american humor…..european humor does leave some things to be desired.

      *raises eyebrow*

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    44. the cat says:

      oh my….do you know how funny this is….this is so funny that tried not to laugh…I was like Ugh! what is this…and I was reading it like:

      Don’t laugh
      Don’t laugh
      Don’laughhhh
      Don’
      Buahahahahaa

         0 likes

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10 Reasons Not To Date Alexander Skarsgard

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